Navigating the Storm: The Real Struggles of Raising Pre-Teens and Teens (and How to Cope)

Raising pre-teens and teens can sometimes feel like trying to hold an umbrella in a typhoon. One day they're your sweet, chatty kids, the next they're slamming doors, rolling eyes, mumbling "never mind." If you're a mom navigating these turbulent years, you're not alone.

In this post, we'll unpack the most common struggles of raising pre-teens and teens--and share insights to help you stay calm, connected, and confident in your parenting journey.

1. Emotional Rollercoasters are the Norm

   Pre-teens (9-12) and teens (13-19) experience hormone shifts that affect everything from mood to memory. You may notice your child going from joyful to irritable moments--and it's not personal.

   Adolescence is the transition period from childhood to adulthood, often accompanied by hormonal changes because of puberty. In a study about the Effects of Hormonal Changes During Puberty on Cognition and Mood, the onset of puberty leads to increase of hormones which brings significant changes to their physical, emotional, and behavioral wellbeing.

   I noticed that there were times my kids (ages 12 and 14) are excited to share their activities during the day. But there were also days when they are not in the mood for talking or they feel irritable for no reason. These sudden changes in their moods really drive me crazy. Trying to analyze their feelings and trying to figure out how to help them add to my daily stress.

   Wise Mama Tip:

   When I learned to accept that these rollercoaster behaviors are about science, I teach myself to remain calm during their emotional outbursts. I give them space but I ensure them that I am here and available whenever they need me. I made clear that I understand what they are going through and it's normal to have tough times.

2. Communication Starts to Fade

   Teens begin to crave independence and may stop sharing the little details of their day. They might also become more private or even defensive.

   Wise Mama Tip:

   Don’t push. Instead, find moments to connect naturally — during car rides, over snacks, or before bed. Keep the conversation light and judgment-free. I try to know more about the games that they are playing. I keep myself interested in it and the activities that they are in. I ask questions about their favorite anime character or anime series. In this way, they share more about themselves naturally.

3. Academic Pressure and Identity Crisis

   School demands grow. So do self-doubts and peer comparisons. Many pre-teens and teens start questioning who they are or where they fit in.

   My kids are homeschooled. As they enter Junior High, subjects begin to get tougher. Math lessons are more complex, the English subject is more than just grammar. Not to mention Filipino subject which, because English is their mother tongue, seem to become more alien to them. Because of these growing challenges in school subjects, confidence in them start to fade. The growing activities that they need to accomplish also lessen their time to hone their creative skills. Most of the time, they just wanted to finish the task with minimum compliance. There is no more time to be creative.

   Wise Mama Tip:

   Encourage your child’s strengths and interests. Celebrate effort, not just achievements. Remind them that it's okay not to have everything figured out. When subjects seem to be complex, we try to learn together. I assure them that although I am their homeschool teacher, I also need to learn from them. I ask them questions like, “How do we make this easier for us?”. “What do you think is the meaning of this lesson? Let’s try to learn because I am learning too.” I show them that I am not perfect, I do not know everything. Through this, they are not afraid to ask questions, to commit mistakes. Because at the end of the day, learning is our ultimate goal.

4. Peer Pressure and Social Media Influence

   From TikTok trends to peer group expectations, kids today face enormous pressure to "fit in" or go viral. This can affect their self-esteem and choices.

In a study about the impact of social media on the mental health of adolescents and young adults, researchers found that higher usage of social media is connected to worse mental health outcomes and also connected to body image problems, disordered eating. High users of social media among young adults have difficulties in internalizing and externalizing situations.

Wise Mama Tip:

Talk openly about peer influence and internet safety. Teach them to pause and think: “Is this safe? Is this me?” We usually talk about these casually during dinnertime. As a parent of adolescents, I minimize the urge to "lecture" them about it, so they will not block the wisdom I wanted to share them. Our dinner time is also our screen-free bonding time at home. We don't allow mobile phones in the dinner table to promote engaging conversations--old style.

5. Pushing Boundaries (and Breaking Rules)

   Testing limits is part of growing up. But it can be draining for parents when it involves curfews, phone use, or backtalk. While we teach them to become independent, young adults tend to do things on their own thinking that they already have enough knowledge about it. It is normal to

   Wise Mama Tip:

   Set clear rules — and consequences. Be consistent but not rigid. Explain why the rule exists, and listen when they challenge it. Respect goes both ways. Pinpoint the mistake the moment it’s committed. And remember to show ways on how to make it right. Simply criticizing is not healthy. Guide them.

6. You Might Feel Unappreciated

   Many moms feel invisible during these years — no more hand-drawn cards or endless cuddles. It can feel like you’re giving everything and getting little back. Do you sometimes miss them when they're young and they're calling your name incessantly just to get your attention? Suddenly, you have not become their apple of their eyes.

   Wise Mama Tip:

   Remind yourself that their distance is not rejection — it's growth. What you’re building now is long-term trust. Keep showing up. It matters. Remember that you are teaching them independence. They cannot be forever kids. They need to grow on their own.

   ✨ Final Thoughts: This Phase Will Pass

   Raising pre-teens and teens is hard — but it's also rewarding. These years are shaping them into the adults they’ll become. You're not failing if it feels tough. You’re learning alongside them. Mama, give yourself grace. You're doing more than enough. ❤️